Thursday, January 13, 2011

Your Slip is Showing

A quick foreward..... I have been wanting to post for a few weeks now but I have so many topics floating around I haven't been able to pick one. That being said, this is something that is not one of them. lol

What do you do when you've run out of hutzpah, gas, determination....just the plain ole' will to keep playing? I have hit that little wall. I have not been stirred up or excited about Cataclysm since I was at Blizzcon. I've run out of steam a little bit, and I'm just not feelin' it this time.

Life in general has been, well...crazy for me. Not hectic, but just head crazy. I am going through some personal medical things which tend to drag me down. I am also on my 6th week of no smoking. I am trying to give myself some space on this one (at least 6 months) before I worry that I've lost my mind completely. Just these issues alone have left me feeling rather inadequate. All those horrid feelings of self-worth that were tied up in cigarettes suddenly come out. Needless to say I have avoided dungeons for the most part. I am quick to anger and quick to feel hurt. The thick skin has thinned a bit and I don't want to put myself or my fellow players through that. After all I've read and heard about how horrible heroic dungeons have become I am not able to put myself in that situation with any sort of comfort. Frankly, I'm scared out of my mind to attempt it right now. It makes me anxious and self-conscious just thinking about it.
In that same vein, I am a guild leader. I feel that I'm not leading at the moment. Serious consideration has been given to stepping down simply because I feel I'm not being a strong leader. Not to mention that I feel I'm not actively engaged in the game or the guild. I am lucky in that I have tremendous officers who are there, and supportive. One or two of them know what I'm going through and still think I am awesome, and still believe the guild is the best it's ever been. Which of course makes me think I must be missing something or it just must be me feeling the funk. Unfortunately my mood, attitude and self-esteem fluctuate daily. One moment I'm fine and the next someone does or says something that triggers me, and all of a sudden my brain is on fire and I hate everyone and I'm sitting on my hands desperately trying not to go off in gchat. Whether my personal issues have any bearing on how I feel about the expansion, I'm not sure. It is very probable that real life is just spilling out all over the game and coloring how I feel about it.

Right now I don't know what to do to "fix" it. I have learned that when I feel I need to fix something it means I'm not in a place where I can make a good decision about anything at all. It is a knee-jerk reaction to feeling inadequate in some way and is a defense mechanism that I normally handled with cigarettes. So what I'm left with is; the best course of action is inaction. Let it ride. Which also stresses me out. I am, after all, a fixer at heart. So I am learning to let it go and trust that I will make the right decisions when they need to be made. Whether in RL or ingame.

I hope to get my ideas sorted out and structured enough to make some decent WoW posts. It just might be another few weeks.

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