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When should a healer not heal?
I have a holy pally and my newb take on this is I heal everyone as long as I can. I have not been healing long enough to be able to discern if you're an idiot and let you die. Which by the way I agree with. I don't yet have the balls to do it. If you are the dumb-ass dps standing in the crap or pulling aggro you deserve to die. In most cases I have found that if they're doing that I can't get them healed in time anyways. They are not my first priority.
I have nearly let tanks die that have decided that running waaaay ahead of the group and pulling mobs is ok. Especially while their healer is either A) looting or B) drinking. Extremely annoying.
When should I, as a dps, not be healed?
This is more up my alley. Being a crit happy lock I have a tendency to pull aggro. Just a tad. ;) I have learned how to monitor and control it. Occasionally I get out of control or don't pay attention. As I have told my friend and guildmate who is a healer, if the choice is between me or anyone else, save the anyone else first. I have ways of getting myself out of a mess and getting back some health. I also think that, as a dps, I am expendable in a group, particularly 5-mans. A healer's priority has to be themselves and the tank. If things get hinky that is what I expect them to be focusing on.
Second to that, I'm a bit lazy. If the healer survives I get a rez. If they don't I have to run my behind back to the instance. Let me couch that by adding that I think everyone should have to run back. If the healers have to run then by god so should the rest of you idiots. It's only fair. To lay there licking the floor and wait for someone to come get you is just downright disrespectful.